


Endlessly

by masterwords



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aaron Hotchner is a Mess, Anxiety Attacks, Bloody knees, Divorce, Fainting, Heat Stroke, Passing Out, Running, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:21:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28266789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterwords/pseuds/masterwords
Summary: “I'm fine,” Aaron gasped, his heart thundering wildly in his chest.  His stomach was churning angrily and his head was throbbing, but he gulped down his fear and closed his eyes, feeling the sweat trickled down from his hair into his eyelashes.  “I'm fine, it's okay.”“You're okay?  You just hit the ground hard, man,” Morgan said, sitting beside his friend.  “You don't look good.”  Aaron was pale, all the color drained from his face, even his lips had gone a pasty chalky white.  His knees were both scraped raw and bloody and his hands were shaking uncontrollably, he was anything but fine.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 48





	Endlessly

**Author's Note:**

> This idea has been breaking my heart for a while now, so obviously I had to write it. It was inspired by the song Endlessly by Muse - heartbreaking/soul shattering/beautiful/sad. It’s just a short, very rambly little one off.

July was not Aaron's favorite time of year to run, even early in the morning. He was a cold weather person. He loved the way the frozen air made his lungs seize and his muscles twist as ice flowed through them. July just provided thick, wet air and sweat. Too much sweat, and he hated to sweat. He was waiting on a bench, sucking down water, already regretting the run he hadn't even really begun yet. He and Morgan always met at the same park, three days a week – there was an open invitation to the entire team to join them, however, it was always just the two of them. Garcia had come once, but she had no intention of running – she'd shown up with signs and a homemade t-shirt to cheer them on at random points along their route. It had been nice, but she wasn't keen on 4am, so it had only been the one time. Prentiss, on more than one occasion, had told them she'd be there but instead sent them photos of her lying in bed with Sergio, mocking them. It got old fast. Still, Aaron cherished his morning runs with Morgan, it was often the only time the two of them got to be around each other with almost no chance of butting heads. Their runs were systematic – they had a route they ran each day they met, agreed on in advance, and a pace they intended to keep during the run. It was simple. At first, Morgan had wished someone else would join them. He'd asked everyone to come, and when only Hotch had shown up, it had put him in a foul mood. By the end of that first run, he was ready to give it up, it had been so uncomfortable – until he realized that it was his own fault, so he showed up again two days later and, to his surprise, enjoyed himself. They had some quiet banter while they warmed up, then it was just time to work, and at the end...they parted ways with a wave. It was so simple. He hadn't realized Hotch was a serious runner. After that second run, he found himself hoping that it would only be the two of them every time they met, and it had been for over a year. They meant business when they got out there. Hotch never wanted to stand around or take breaks, he just wanted to run and go home to get ready for work. 

“Hotch!” Morgan called, jogging slowly toward him. Aaron stood and arched his back, twisting his hips side to side, already feeling his shirt stick to him. He was preemptively miserable – was that a thing? It was a thing he did. The anticipation of misery was one of his specialties. Morgan lived closer to the park, so he usually showed up a little later than Aaron who always left his home early, and he did an extra lap or two after Aaron headed home to make up the difference. This morning they were on the books for the week's longest run at eight miles, so it was an early one. It was rare they went over five miles on a weekday morning, so they reserved their long run for Saturdays. This happened to be two Saturdays before Aaron was due to run a half-marathon, so they were on point for a few longer runs over the next week and a half to get him ready. He hated running in the heat, but Morgan was a phenomenal trainer – Aaron had clocked some of his personal best race times since running with Morgan. 

“Morning, Morgan,” Aaron called, hooking his water bottle back onto his belt and twisting his hips while Morgan sipped at his water. “Ready to go?”

“I turned up the heat, just for you. I know how you like it.” Morgan grinned and Aaron just shook his head, chuckling to himself. 

They always set off together, holding pace with one another, but Aaron almost always dropped back after a mile or so, he liked to maintain a slower pace than Morgan – he said it was because he liked to savor his runs, Morgan said it was because he was old, trying to bait the other man into running faster but it never worked. Almost never worked. There had been mornings, the rare ones where Aaron had actually gotten good sleep the night prior while Morgan had partied a little too hard, and on those mornings he'd give in and leave Morgan in the dust. They were few and far between, though, because while Morgan did like to party, Aaron almost never got a good night's sleep. 

The early morning sun was already beating down on them, feet pounding hard against the asphalt. Aaron could feel his footsteps getting sloppy a few miles in, a little too heavy, and he tried to breathe deeper. The air was so thick it was hard to get enough in, it was soupy and he was drenched. They were keeping a steady pace, probably faster than Aaron had intended but he wasn't checking his watch, he was just “vibing it” as Morgan liked to say. He knew they still had more than half of their run to go, and Aaron felt his toe dragging the ground every third or fourth step. Another mile passed, a little slower, and his breath was hitching in his throat now. He couldn't seem to get new air into his lungs at the rate he needed and his mind was racing a mile a minute. Every few blinks he noticed his vision was getting darker at the edges, everything started to look sparkly and wrong. He could blink it away, but it kept coming more frequently. He'd thought it was just the heat at first, but now he knew it was worse – he was going to pass out if he didn't stop, it was too hot and he was starting to panic. Slowing his gait, little by little, he tried to see if he could keep going – he really didn't want to stop, and he didn't mind taking a hit on his pace to keep pushing forward. Morgan was getting further and further ahead of him, and in a split second decision he gasped Morgan's name as his knees buckled under him and he tumbled to the ground. Morgan turned around at the sound of his name in time to watch his friend hit the sidewalk hard, and he turned on his heel, sprinting toward Aaron. 

“Hotch?!” Morgan asked, helping his friend to a sitting position and scooting him into the grass. He watched as Aaron pulled his knees up and hung his head between his legs, his chest heaving trying to get breaths in. “What happened? You okay?”

“I'm fine,” Aaron gasped, his heart thundering wildly in his chest. His stomach was churning angrily and his head was throbbing, but he gulped down his fear and closed his eyes, feeling the sweat trickled down from his hair into his eyelashes. “I'm fine, it's okay.”

“You're okay? You just hit the ground hard, man,” Morgan said, sitting beside his friend. “You don't look good.” Aaron was pale, all the color drained from his face, even his lips had gone a pasty chalky white. His knees were both scraped raw and bloody and his hands were shaking uncontrollably, he was anything but fine. 

“I just need a minute, it's just...the heat,” Aaron said, his voice raspy, trying to take deep breaths between words. It wasn't the just heat. He knew it wasn't, and it wouldn't go away just sitting there, but he wouldn't drag Morgan into the shitshow that had become his life. He'd fooled himself into believing it would be okay, that Haley leaving was temporary, that he'd somehow come home one day to find her back – to hear that she still loved him. That day hadn't come, and each day he woke up with that hope and had it dashed earlier and earlier. Well, today it was dashed before 7am, and his body wanted him well aware of it. 

“Should I call Haley?” Morgan asked, already pulling his phone out of his pocket. Aaron shook his head and swallowed hard, reaching with one shaking hand for his water bottle. Morgan helped him unbuckle it and get it to his lips. 

“You sure man? I’ve got her number right here...” he poised his thumb over her name, but Aaron shook his head again and gulped more water. 

“Yeah...don't...don't call her. She left. Took Jack. Few weeks ago. Don't think she'd like you calling.” He laid back on the grass, closing his eyes as he choked out the words. He didn't have enough breath for full sentences, or enough brain power. He was just trying to keep it together, trying to save face now. The grass poked the back of his neck and ears, making him itchy and it didn't matter. His chest felt like it was going to fly apart from the pressure building up in lungs. He reached up and drug his shaking hands down his face, pulling them through the dripping sweat and sighed. It was a long, hard sigh, the kind that rattled through your bones, expelled all of your dusty old suffering to make room for the shiny new suffering. 

“Shit. I'm sorry, man,” Morgan replied, reeling from the news. He'd had no idea. It was frustrating, knowing someone like Aaron who you relied on and trusted your life with, but you realized often that you knew so very little about. He'd been separated from his wife for weeks, and Morgan would bet no one on the team knew. Well, not no one, he could think of one person who probably knew – Dave Rossi, the new guy. Those two went way back, and while the rest of the team was still trying to get to know him, Aaron seemed to rely heavily on his support already. In the field it was business as usual with the entire team, but Rossi was invited to a lot of closed door meetings and Morgan knew, from years of working with Aaron, that they weren't discussing business. Aaron wasn't like that. He included the entire team when there was something professional worth closing a door over – this was personal, and only Dave Rossi was invited. He didn't mind, he didn't want it – but he did see it. The entire team had noticed. 

“You didn't drive huh?”

“Nope. Don't worry about it. I'll make it home. Finish your run. I'll be okay.” He was nearly gasping between sentences, but he seemed to be breathing a little easier the longer they sat there. 

“No way, man. I'm calling someone. You can't walk home like this, and you can't just lay here. We're in a park, you'll freak out some kids or something.”

“I can get a cab. Stop worrying Morgan, I'm not dying.”

“Shut up. You aren't calling a cab. How about Rossi?” He was grasping at straws now. Rossi was in, he was already in. If not Haley, then Rossi, he reasoned. If Gideon were around he'd just have called him right away, not even bothered with Haley anyway. Gideon would always just instinctively know what to do, and Morgan found himself hoping that Rossi was the same. When Aaron didn't protest, Morgan made the call. He spoke softly to Rossi, asking him if he'd come and pick Hotch up, giving him the run down of what happened. Rossi lived on the other side of the city but he threw a jacket on over his pajamas and rushed out the door right away, before Morgan had even hung up the phone. 

“Rossi said he'll be here in about twenty minutes.” Morgan sat back, pulling his knees to his chest, and looked down at his boss. He'd never noticed before how human he really was. When he was in the field, staring down the worst evil humanity had to offer, when he was putting the pressure on tough as nails police chiefs, he was larger than life. The way he filled out a suit and loomed over people intimidated even Morgan sometimes, but right now, lying there on the grass, he was just a man who needed a friend. Or a doctor, Morgan didn’t know which one but he just hoped Rossi would. 

“Finish your run, Morgan, I'll be fine.”

“Stop it, man. I've got plenty of time to finish once I know you're okay. What's going on anyway?”

“I told you, it's just the heat.”

“We've run in a lot worse, it isn’t even that hot out yet. Anyway, that's not what I meant. What's going on? Talk to me.”

“Morgan...” Aaron's voice was barely above a whisper as he pushed through the pain in his chest. It felt like there was a boulder on top of him, pressing out twice as much air as he could bring in. His knees hurt – he could have taken a tumble like that as a kid and gotten up twice as strong, but now in his 40s he was not so sure he could even stand back up on his own. He'd landed hard, directly on his knees, and it was bound to be a problem but it was one he wasn't prepared to worry about at that moment. Remembering how to breathe took precedence. 

“Fine. Don't talk. Listen. I was gonna ask Prentiss later, but maybe you can help me. So last night I met this woman, her name is Sheila, she's a veterinarian. Talks to animals and shit I guess, a real doctor. I don't know, she was cool and smart. She agreed to let me take her out to dinner tonight – where do you take a smart woman, Hotch? It's been a long time since...I mean the girls I usually find are great and all but this is a woman and she's...she's like, Reid smart. Where would you take her?”

Aaron considered the question for a moment, and as he considered it, he noticed that his chest didn't hurt quite so bad. His lungs filled with a little more air. Distraction, classic. It worked. 

“Cook for her,” he said softly. “Clean up your house and cook dinner for her.”

“What? No way, it's too fast for that...”

“Too fast?”

“Yeah, way too fast. You and Haley have been married so long you don't even...” he stopped himself, realizing what he'd said. “Sorry. I didn't mean to...I'm sorry. I just meant that things have changed since you...you know.”

But Aaron didn't flinch, because he didn't care about that. He'd prefer Morgan keep talking about him like he still had a wife – right now, he still did. He could still fool himself into thinking he could somehow get her back. And besides, he knew what he knew, and he may have been old fashioned but some things just never changed, he was sure of that. 

“First of all, I'm not that old. And good things rarely change. Not really. Just...be genuine. Don't try to show off, be yourself. That never goes out of style.” 

Morgan regarded the statement quietly, amazed at how Aaron could be lying on the ground clearly in distress, and he was still more comfortable giving out advice than sharing any of his private life. Before he could think of anything to say to that, he saw Rossi's car pull up in front of them and park in a spot clearly labeled no parking. 

“Sorry that took so long, traffic was awful!” he shouted, hurrying over to where the two men were on the grass. 

“How you doing kid?” he crouched beside Aaron and placed his hand on Aaron's forehead, sweeping the sweaty mess of hair away from his clammy skin. Morgan watched, feeling like he was intruding on a moment of intimacy not meant for him to see. 

“I've been better,” Aaron replied, his eyes still closed. His head was pounding and the back of his neck itched like crazy but he couldn't lift his arms to take care of it. 

“Let's get you home, huh?” Rossi said, indicating to Morgan to help him lift Aaron to his feet. It was slow going, first helping him sit up and waiting out the dizziness and nausea that followed. Once they were confident he'd be okay, they lifted him to his feet and, each of them supporting him on one side, helped him walk to Rossi's car. They slid him into the passenger seat and helped him buckle in. 

“Morgan?” Aaron asked, turning his eyes up to meet the other man's. “Thanks.”

“Of course, boss. Feel better.”

Rossi slid into the driver seat and pulled away from the park, watching Morgan take off running again in his rear view mirror. He looked over at Aaron in the passenger seat and just shook his head at his stubborn friend who very likely would have sat at that park by himself all day had he not been with Morgan. 

“Good kid,” Rossi muttered, patting Aaron on the thigh, noting the swelling and blood on his knees. “We need to get you cleaned up and fed. A good meal will do you good.”

“Thanks Dave,” Aaron replied softly, leaning hard against the cool glass window and basking in the air conditioning that Dave had turned on full blast. They drove the rest of the way in silence, and by the time Dave had parked in front of Aaron's apartment building he was feeling a little better. The dizziness had almost gone, leaving just the tightness in his chest and the shaking in his hands. Dave helped him up to his apartment and settled him onto the couch, looking around the place thoughtfully. It was neat and tidy, lacking all of the feeling of home that his house with Haley had. His blinds were drawn and all of the lights were off. Dave moved around the apartment, letting sunlight and air into the place. He made his way to the kitchen and found a banana and a glass of water, figuring that was as good a place as any to start. Bananas were Aaron's comfort food, he'd figured that out years ago – it was his tell. A banana on his desk meant he wasn't feeling well, he didn't seem to eat them otherwise. Aaron took the water and banana with a soft smile, realizing how fortunate he was to have Dave around again at the moment when he needed someone the most. No one else would have known exactly what to do. Another few moments passed and Dave had a small plastic bin in his hand – the sparse first aid kit, filled only with the bare essentials for Jack at this point. Aaron had left everything with Haley, she deserved to keep it all, he didn't want to fight her. Delicately, Dave began washing Aaron's skinned, swollen knees, picking tiny bits of gravel out and proceeded to cover the open wounds with Batman band aids. Because it amused him, he used Batman on one leg and the Joker on the other. 

“All patched up,” Dave said, standing up slowly – he was too old to crouch so long on the floor like that. He wouldn't have done it for just anyone. “I like the new place. It's nice.”

“Yeah...” Aaron muttered, breathing deep, feeling the pressure in his chest building again. Between the food and the air conditioning and the water, he was feeling better, but so raw. Whatever had been building there at the park was about to breech the surface, he could feel it. Like he was trying to outrun a train, he tried to get ahead of it, breathe through it, but he simply couldn't continue. It wasn't something he could just push through, it was overwhelming sadness and guilt, the likes of which he hadn't ever felt before. Dave sat down beside his friend on the couch and looked around at the apartment, sparsely decorated and impersonal except for a few photos of Jack and Haley in odd places. That he kept photos of her around spoke volumes to Dave, the level of hurt his friend was experiencing. 

“It's going to be alright, Aaron,” he offered, quietly, looking over at his friend. “She loves you, she always has. Things will look different, but you two will find a way to make everything work.”

“I miss my son, Dave,” Aaron whispered, his chest tightening, breath hitching in his throat. He felt the tears burning behind his eyes, and one good blink set them free to spill down his cheeks. The dam had broken, and he felt a wave of painful, agonizing freedom washing over him as he let himself cry for the first time since Haley had left. Freedom from holding it in, from keeping it hidden. It coursed through his veins, and he shook with the force of his sobs – he hadn't cried like that since he was a child. 

“I miss my family.”

“I know,” Dave replied softly, sliding over toward Aaron and pulling him close. “I know.”


End file.
